i love both you and the german language way too much
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Mittwoch, Juni 29, 2005
I'm lonely and worrying about people. Also, my stomach is giving signals of physical hunger which NEVER happens, but it's at a time when I know I don't actually need food and there's no good reason for my stomach to feel that way, so i'll have to further confuse my body and my hunger response by ignoring it. Silly body. I pretty much wasted today in its entirety. Shame on me. Little Women is such a quality movie, but what an emotional roller coaster! I would totally have married Laurie. Or who knows. I'm lonely and the internet is being way too much of a bitch for me to want to try going online and I guess I could try calling someone but it's late and I'm not lonely to the point of desperation or anything and I'm not sure I'd even feel better for talking to someone. I need to write to Cara and make plans with Andrei. I need to decide what to do on July 22 to 24. I need to do all the overwhelmingly many things on my to do list. My DDR obsession is getting funnier and funnier as I get better at it, I think. Today was the first really disgustingly humid day of the summer...I wonder if we'll get a break from it or if I should just dig in and allow my life to be consumed by mildew. It was only mid-seventies all day, but when I was playing DDR I eventually had sweat dripping off of me because the air was like "Oh, you want it to evaporate, hmmm? Where shall it evaporate to?" I actually used separate shampoo and conditioner in my hair today, and am thoroughly enjoying the benefits. Oh! I'm typing this on my new computer! It's pretty and little and an iBook. I'm excited for it actually being able to talk to my iPod, which neither Mommy's nor my computer was doing with any consistency. Patrick should be coming home this weekend. That will be good. Having Bono home without him this summer is finally making it seem like he's a fully "launched" adult, someone who actually doesn't live here anymore. Strange, huh? I want to grow up and get married and have homeschooled vegan hippie children and live near Brian and Patrick both and Mom wanted to be the Von Trap family so I guess I shouldn't make plans like that. I'm still lonely. Why should I get lonely at night? It's stupid. I love being alone during the day, but once I go out and see people and get my social interaction machinery going it seems to take way too long to shut it down and I feel really weird just being by myself. The skin on my hands feels really soft, which is weird because I didn't do anything to them. I thought about using my coffee scrub, but didn't. Maybe I've creative visualization-ed them into softness.
Or, to put all of that another way:
Wah my name is Maggie and my angst is just like everyone else's angst, but, (because I am a teenager?), I imagine my problems special and my life interesting.
12:02 AM
Montag, Juni 27, 2005
graduation parties have been fun and dizzying.
priya was here and that was awesome. posssibly even awesomer than usual? not sure.
sketchiness last night was, you know, sketchy.
12:23 AM
Mittwoch, Juni 22, 2005
baccalaureate was amazing. UH mazing. yes. the robo thing gets better and more symbolic the more i think about it...like it was the reconciliation of all the disagreements and adversarial relationships of high school. amazing. yay allison! yay everyone who played and sang! i was incredibly impressed. it made me happy.
priya tomorrow!! very exciting, but i'm kinda annoyed at how she's staying for such an obscenely short time.
also, people i know are going back to cty this year. isn't that weird? i think that's weird. i'm not sad in the way i was last year, but it's still weird and i still remember how overwhelmingly exciting it was and they're all that excited and it's so over for me. but i guess that's cool. and i have the college thing, which feels similar in a way that is probably not good for me, because college will NOT be ending after three weeks and i think i need to get a better grasp of that.
they're all graduating tomorrow. end of the tour is playing in my head. i am very attatched to my class in a lot of ways. maybe i'm a little sad i'm not graduating...but i'd be a lot sadder if i were, so life is good. it's really saddest about the people you're not friends with, isn't it? people you've always kind of known and seen around or whose existence has always brought you some small happiness, who're about to disappear from you actually for good. well it's probably actually harder about leaving friends, but that'll come later and at least we'll know we'll at least be trying to stay close and all that. but there are other people who are cool and who've been loosely a part of my life since effectively the beginning of time and it's natural, i guess, that i should be bidding then goodbye with or without their knowing it, but it's sad. and it's also cool. i'm happy for this class for making it in whatever way we've survived our childhood or whatever. congratulations '05. if i had the money i would buy each of you a copy of oh the places you'll go. what a quality book. what a quality thirteen years.
:)
and we're never gonna tour again
2:18 AM
Dienstag, Juni 21, 2005
i think something is wrong. i have been feeling really weird a lot recently in a way that isn't even exactly bad but is something i don't really recognize and feels wrong.
i have ink stains all over my hands.
i am overwhelmed by the current stresses of my life, but i should probably not be. all these graduation festivities are overwhelming. i need to call priya.
i am excited for college, and also nervous, and also generally offended that this massive life-change is coming on more or less without my consent and regardless of whether or not i'm ready for it.
i am fat. i resent people around me who talk about weight and physical health and various methods of making what they eat be closer to what's best for their bodies, because they act like it's simple, which i guess it can be, but it's not for me and it never has been and it just drives me crazy.
i bought (is that spelled right? i think my mind is deteriorating. actually i don't think weird spelling-blocks are a signal of mental deterioration; i was merely being melodramatic) new towels and a bathrobe that will accompany me to college, today.
the gsri have still not written back: i will probably have to call them.
colons make me uncomfortable. i always want to use a semiocolon, even though a colon would usually be more appropriate. is there any reason why this should be?
i've been sleeping all the effing time and it's getting ridiculous. my head hurt all day today. ugh. maybe if i got a sobacowa (i have no clue where to begin spelling that) pillow this would not happen.
12:53 AM
Freitag, Juni 17, 2005
you know what's weird? i know i've done one of the dumbest things of my life, and if i could go back in time i would act differently, but i'm not obsessively reliving it, not doing the whole self-loathing thing. it's really nice. i hope everything works out, because i really care about the person involved, and would hate to alienate him...and i feel bad, i do...but it's not like...not that desire to obliterate myself. not even the desire to obliterate the mistake. just to keep on and have things get better. it's really remarkable; i like it.
i like people. i realized that i have developed something like kind of hero-crush i used to have on the nevermores on my hall when i was young at cty. i love having role models and heroes. i love people who make me feel special, even though i'm younger/less experienced/less talented/whatever than they are. they make me want to go hunting for younger/less experienced/etc. people to make feel special, in turn.
i wish i were a natural writer. i could never write seriously, because i procrastinate it more than anything else. actually having to create something like that...i dread it.
i hope the thing i was talking about early becomes okay, eventually. if it doesn't...man, i just really hope it does. i wonder if it's within my power to make that happen, somehow...hmmm.
apparently priya has some secret story she won't let erin tell me. i wish she would just get here already.
i don't want to leave westport. i'm not ready for this whole childhood phase of my life to be over. not ready at all.
i reeeeaally need to write the columbia app. like badly.
12:32 AM
Donnerstag, Juni 16, 2005
talked to lisa's friend who's going to brown
and then aaron from a million (i.e. a few) years ago imed me and HE'S going to brown
CRAZY
CRAZY
oh that life
pretty freaking cool
1:26 AM
earlier today i did one of the lamest, most ridiculous things i can ever remember doing. i've been acting really weird lately. like uncharacteristically so. so lame. i wish jeremy weren't here all the time because like being able to tell brian about my troubles with varying degrees of awkwardness. also because i'm the stephanie tanner to his kimmie gibbler, brian has accurately noted, and it's my job to resent his presence.
i get so lonely when i leave people. like just coming home for the night when i've been hanging out at erin's house or something, i can't handle being all alone, so i go online, even though that never does anything for me (wow i definitely made this post last summer or some time around then. ahh life being cyclic). hopefully next year i'll be friends with my roommate and the lessening of alone time will be a good thing. if i'm not friends with her, i worry. why are we all not going to school together? it would make so much sense. it'd be like disney world, only with you know classes instead of parks. okay a few other things would be different. i just...i don't like leaving people. i'm lonely.
waah.
12:13 AM
Mittwoch, Juni 15, 2005
i'm so good at life.
...no wait. i must be thinking of someone else
tee hee. amn't i funny?
i'm just babbling. i make myself laugh though. westport is very warm.
pants movie tomorrow.
interesting conversation with the scott today. thiiiiis close to ending all happily resolved and then it took a turn for the worse. remind me to feign computer failure when that happens in the future? heh no i wouldn't.
1:00 AM
Dienstag, Juni 14, 2005
they had a little thing for us as graduating senior girl scouts and it was pretty nice.
peggy got us boobie cookies and rebecca and i knew what they were the second we saw the boxes and kelley was amazed/frightened by our guessing abilities.
while i was writing my speech, i wrote an email to the girl scouts of rhode island! exciting!
i'm staying in my uniform, for once in my life, because i've realized i won't be able to wear it much longer.
there were also juniors there recieving their bronze awards and it was awesome. yay intense/successful little girls. i was proud, even though i don't know any of them.
i don't feel sad that i didn't get my gold award. i'm proud of what i've done and thankful and all that. fulfilling gs experience. going to continue in the movement for many years. carry what i've learned/gained with me forever. and i really mean that. yay girl scouting!
yay us!
yay me!
5:42 PM
Montag, Juni 13, 2005
ohhhh i'm a failure. just told mom about the columbia application glitch and it's definitely going to cost another ton of money and time and mom-aggravation grrrrr i suck why don't i ever just do things when it's easy or at least figure out the consequences of my not doing them!?!?!?!? iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii suck.
2:27 PM
Sonntag, Juni 12, 2005
happy.
i should say more, but i've just had a strong desire to take my hair down, and there's a chance it'll actually make me tired.
i think i'll just make a toast to things not being weird. because few things are as wonderful as things that aren't weird, when, under other circumstances, or with other people, or from another perspective, or in another universe, they might be. yay things not being weird!!!
yay french manicure!
yay happy!!
4:55 AM
Donnerstag, Juni 09, 2005
ohhhh i am so effed up. beginning to suspect that i've been deeply unhappy for quite some time without noticing it...but that's almost certainly just my bad/antisocial mood talking.
8:57 PM
Mittwoch, Juni 08, 2005
feeling really randomly depressed. whee.
1:24 AM
Sonntag, Juni 05, 2005
oh by the way...i just noticed i wrote "toenails" the other day when i totally meant "fingernails". I've noticed an increasing tendency in me to substitute words for other words--like "bagels" for "plates" the other day, while discussing what i needed to pick up for the rinster's party--despite my perfectly clear understanding of what i intend to be talking about...i think my brain must be destroying itself or something. heaven forbid i ever actually get old and actually lose my mental functions, because MAN i have enough ridiculous senior moments as a teenager.
2:36 AM
going to sleep with my bathing suit bottom still on, and my skin all weird and soft and dry and my hair chloriney from not having showered, i feel like summer in the way summer was a million years ago before i ever went to cty, when i rode my bike to clams and played monopoly with allison practically every day and mastered the knees-feet-butt-feet on the trampoline with erin and priya before she moved away.
2:30 AM
Samstag, Juni 04, 2005
erin's party was quite the success. yayayayay! i had fun. i think the erbear had fun. and she was def. surprised. prom is stressing me out waaaaaayyyyy too much. i feel like this is the same stupid issue we've been having since middle school, but i don't know what the way out of it could be. i just wish everyone would chillax.
2:46 PM
Freitag, Juni 03, 2005
feeling very...zen, or something. very happy, but not in a particularly contented or euphoric way...kind of just chill. and untroubled by stuff in general. it's somehow the exact mood equivalent of the kind of hair day i had today...optimal point on the clean-oily scale, perfectly straight, not especially smooth, or fragrent or lustrous, but somehow magically resistant to tangles. if only i were a good writer or a less lazy person i would actually fill out this analogy or check to make sure it makes sense. instead i've just told you what my hair was like today and if that helps you understand the kind of peaceful happy i'm feeling, well that's fine and nice.
painted bono's toenails bright pink. second bottle of nailpolish i ever bought. from the pharmacy in woods hole, which no longer exists.
i want to go to six flags great adventure, but apparently the senior trip is always to six flags new england? six flags new england is a pretty lame park.
my teeth hurt.
i should update less and clean/learn/be a worthwhile human being more.
12:48 AM
Donnerstag, Juni 02, 2005
also when i was briefly parked outside the other knitting store today, American Pie came on cool 96.7 and i listened to it and rocked out to it and even screamed callbacks really loudly, which i never do, and i enjoyed it. at the part right before the first chorus, where everyone at lancaster would be running into the circle, screaming and dancing, i cried a wee bit because i could totally feel what that was like, that kind of crazed all-conusming exuberance, and it was both great and (lesserly) painful, because I haven't had anything quite like that since.
2:23 PM
I have a new retainer. It's the clear kind, and also the Last Retainer My Poor Mother Will Be Paying For. It cost her $250. I must turn over a new leaf of responsibility and awareness of the whereabouts of my things. I'm very thankful to be avoiding the ancestral tooth. I also am the only person in America (or maybe I'm not) who genuinely enjoys orthodontic appliances. Must be something about that oral fixation...it just feels really appropriate and comfortable and right and secure for me to have this piece of plastic in my mouth all of the time. Man, did I enjoy having braces.
1:34 PM
I'm actually starting to get minorly excited about the whole going to college thing. yay!
12:00 AM
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